


the light in me (will guide you home)

by calerine



Category: Snow Man (Japan Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-23
Updated: 2020-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-10 20:00:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28262766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calerine/pseuds/calerine
Summary: Meguro and Koji are soulmates. This is a story of how they grow up and find their way to each other.
Relationships: Meguro Ren/Mukai Kouji
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	the light in me (will guide you home)

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas! I hope everyone's doing okay after the news from the past few days. It's been a rough year, and I hope this brings you a little warmth and comfort during this time.

**2002**

When Koji asked, his parents told him that he’d _know_. 

They emphasised it with secret looks and wiggly eyebrows over green curry and chawanmushi, like adults did, like it was some secret club that he had already been given the keys to.

But he hadn’t and the heart on his sleeve was all of eight gullible years old. 

So that night, after his mother had read him his favourite book - the one about the martial arts master who saved the world from aliens - Koji had squeezed his eyes shut in the dark and told himself he wasn’t ever going to miss his person. 

He promised himself that he was going to notice when they appeared and that he was going to know right away. 

(In that week, he fell in love with six of his classmates. One for every day of the week, and two on Wednesday alone because he was getting anxious about missing his person. None of them were the one, but Koji’s kind of proud that he never gave up.)

  
  


**2007**

Ren’s mother sat him down when he was ten. 

“You know, right? How you’ll find your person?” She had asked, sounding like she was only doing it for confirmation, like his teacher had already covered this topic in class. 

Ren had blinked at her, wondering at the back of his mind if he should tell her about what Jiro-senpai had told him last week about knowing from the shape of a girl’s boobies. Something told him that it wasn’t the right thing to say, but part of him was also scared that he’d somehow already missed his person.

“You… don’t?” She asked again, tentative this time. She looked troubled now and Ren wanted to tell her that he did, but the truth was he didn’t and he actually _really_ wanted to hear this from an adult because all kids in his class were always guessing at it at lunch time.

“I don’t know, Mama,” he told her truthfully. She nodded and he scooted across the couch so that she would put her arm around his narrow shoulders. 

She did and Ren felt all warm inside. He smiled up at her and she smiled back.

“Well,” she started, slow and carefully like she was choosing her words. “I really just wanted to tell you that sometimes your person might not be a girl. They might be a boy or somebody else, but hm. Maybe it’ll be good if I start from the beginning, huh?”

She ruffled his hair fondly, and it made him giggle.

“Get your brother? I’ll tell you both,” she promised and he raced into the next room, his little heart hammering in his chest.

*

Koji was thirteen. 

By now, he’d already dated a few people. He said yes to any and every confession, confident in his ability to fall in love (and apprehensive of if and when his red ring would appear).

There were girls, mostly. Kimiko who gave him daisies in 2nd grade, Mari who always brought homemade cookies to school in the 3rd, then Tomoko who loved Hanshin Tigers, Hinata who taught Koji the joy of taking pictures, Riko who showed him how to kiss, Mahina who let him teach her, and Yuna who took it further. 

In 7th grade, he realised he’d been in love with his best friend for years. He waited until Yuna broke up with him, because they always did. He treasured every single day until she finally told him, careful and firm as had always been her way. 

Two weeks later, he confessed to Makoto during photography club. In his hand was an ice-cream that he’d meant as an offering and bribe, just in case Makoto didn’t feel the same way.

Makoto said yes. He had then proceeded to bite into the ice-cream enthusiastically - his favourite cookies and cream - to seal the deal and made the ugliest face when it gave him brain freeze. 

That lasted a little under three years, longer than anything that had come before.

The whole time, though, Koji knew they weren’t each other’s people but the whole time, he had hoped that somehow that would change. 

It didn’t. 

But it was weird how precarious it felt, how Koji knew in his heart that he wasn’t with his soulmate, and yet, he knew how right it felt to be with Makoto. 

He knew the lurching of his heart intimately, whenever Makoto reached for Koji’s hand first down the quiet road past the Family Mart on their way home from school. His quiet laughter made Koji press his cheek against his shoulder, and Koji loved the way his eyes crinkled when he teased Koji about it. Koji always sat with him in that secluded corner of school, where the weeds grew thick and strong and nobody came looking for them.

There, Koji kissed him for the first time, cradling his cheek gently and gingerly pressing his tongue against Makoto’s bottom lip. The blue-green veins of his palm felt rough under his curious fingertips, and when Koji pulled away, he saw how delicate they looked in the golden dusk, his skin thin from bromide in the darkroom. 

They only broke up because Koji moved away after they graduated from middle school. Nara felt so much farther than Osaka, and Makoto was moving to Fukuoka for his track and field scholarship, which was practically the other side of the world. 

After he was gone, Koji said his first no. 

In the place of family restaurant dates after school, Koji spent long afternoons in his room with his old record player turned down low as his family’s family laptop transferred pictures from his secondhand camera. It took a long loud time, so he typed out emails as he waited, telling Makoto what Nara was like and how much he wished he was there with him. 

To finish, he would wait half an hour for a single file to be attached to his email. Three was the limit, so he always spent so long picking that his brother would yell at him to let him have a turn already.

Each time, Makoto wrote back within the week. He told stories like he was taking pictures, filling his emails with a thousand words and more. Each time, Koji hid under his covers, cradling his mom’s phone preciously in his hands, and wished desperately for the ring on the little finger of his left hand to manifest so that he could follow its thread all the way to Fukuoka. 

He knew he would have walked there if it had just appeared.  
  


**2008**

Meguro’s best friend got her ring when they were eleven. She turned her hand over, this way and that, and even though Meguro couldn’t see the ring itself, it made light blink all across the classroom walls like stars.

“Are you going to follow it?” He asked, trying to stop the jealousy from welling up inside him. It wasn’t right. This was hers and he should be happy for her.

“Maybe,” she said, her voice quiet and preoccupied. She looked up at him, her eyes big. When he glanced at her, she ducked her head and bumped their shoulders together with a grin. “Who knows what the other person waiting at the end of it is going to be like… Maybe they’re like a hundred years old.”

Meguro laughed, trying to picture it. Nana was the cutest girl he knew, and he was sure her person was as cute and smart and funny as her.

His stomach gave a squeeze. He knew how she looked at him, all the glances she thought she hid well were an open book for him. The sheer thought of it made him swallow hard.

“You’ll be fine,” he told her, trying his best to smile. “He’s going to be the perfect fit for you.” 

He only heard Nana’s deep breath and saw her nod from the corner of his eye. He didn’t catch the way her bottom lip wobbled and her nose wrinkled on her next inhale.

*

Makoto bought Koji a red candy pop ring on his fourteenth birthday.

“For your lonely little finger,” he said with a laugh that was teasing but not at all mean. It was a reference to all the time Koji’d spent worrying at both of their fingers, rubbing his thumb up and down the delicate angles in hopes that he could make something appear.

It made Koji march right back to the store so he could get him one too.

By the time Koji came back, he was halfway done with his own, his lips all red from the sugar. Makoto was standing exactly where he’d left him, taking pictures of the pigeons hanging out in the park.

“Here, now we match.” Koji told Makoto with great aplomb as he ripped open the packaging and then suddenly slowed, slipping it reverently onto Makoto’s little finger. 

When he looked up shyly through his bangs, Makoto was as red as the ring, a blush tinging the tips of his ears.

“Yeah,” he said softly, curling his finger around it with a smile. “We match.”  
  


**2011**

Meguro’s ring appeared when he was 14.

Nana’s ring disappeared when she was 14.

He shoved his hand into his pocket and bought her 3 tubs of Häagen-Dazs from the convenience store. 

They spent the whole evening watching old Ultraman reruns on the old chunky TV in his room until she fell asleep against his shoulder. 

By then, it was late at night and his brother and parents were asleep. Everything felt softer and looser around the edges. The house itself seemed to sigh in its foundations, settling in for the night. Without the guilt and humiliation in Nana’s gaze, Meguro finally let himself brush his thumb around the crimson of it.

His ring was warm and soft, almost velvety against his skin, not at all like he’d expected after watching Nana’s reflect light. The thread from it shimmered briefly in the moonlight, a faint glimmer of red, and for a moment, Meguro saw it lead out his bedroom door and down the stairs before it vanished again.

In it, he felt the steady thud of own beating heart against his thumb and it was as if his spirit had found a home in it to rest. He closed his eyes. Like this, heartwarmed and cocooned in his bed with his best friend’s little snores at his ear, he could almost imagine his heart glowing in his chest, beautiful and joyous in his ribcage.

He knew it was silly, but in his mind’s eye, Meguro followed the vein that joined his heart to his ring, that joined him to his person somewhere out there in the world. He imagined that it was their heartbeat that he felt. 

Maybe they were making a meal after getting home late from school, maybe they were in the bath or watching TV or drawing or singing (quietly) or sleeping. Maybe, Meguro thought wistfully, they were pressing their thumb gingerly to their new ring and listening close to Meguro’s heartbeat too.

*

Meguro left Nana in his bed, covers pulled up to her chin. 

In the moonlight, he brushed his fingers gently across her forehead and his heart ached for her. Maybe her old soulmate had grown into a different enough person, or moved out of reach, or made a big decision that moved them further away than Fate could fix. Maybe they had just given up searching.

There were a thousand and one possible reasons. It was selfish, but Meguro couldn’t help closing his hand around his own ring and hoping he would be spared.

*

Koji’s ring appeared after his girlfriend dumped him. He was 17 and could never seem to keep them around again, and he was so tired of trying.

The email to Makoto was half-written, spread out like a crime scene on his open laptop screen on the floor.

His throat was still rattling with the echoes of his quiet sobs, but the red glowed reassuringly in the heated dark of his blanket cocoon.

“You’re not Macchan,” he whispered, a stray tear rolling down his cheek to join the damp patch on his pillow. He felt his heartbeat in between his eyes and his head pounded from crying all afternoon. “I don’t know how I’ll love you after him, but… But if you love me back, then I’ll do my best.”

**2013**

Meguro was 15. His ring still shone just as brightly and his brother hadn’t stopped teasing him about being a prude.

“Everyone’s doing it anyway,” he said for a gazillionth time.

And for the gazillionth time, Meguro rolled his eyes. “So what? I’m just saying I don’t want to meet this person one day and have to tell them that I dated other people to kill time until we met.”

“It’s just dating, nii-chan. I’m sure they’re doing it too.”

The _plus you don’t know if you’ll actually meet anyway_ hung unspoken in the air between them.

It had been 2 years and Nana was so happy with her boyfriend, but it just felt raw, too taboo to be said aloud.

Meguro shrugged, turning back to his video game. “I don’t mind if they do. I just don’t want to.”

*

Koji didn’t want to be _that_ person, but he spent a lot of time talking to his ring.

During class, he caught himself doodling his person. Perhaps she would have long hair, a quiet sort of laugh that would make Koji laugh too. Just like Makoto, he thought and was thankful when that thought didn’t bring any more impossible longing.

He gave him sunglasses and a leather jacket and curly hair that flopped over his eyes. It looked too much like his senpai, Iwamoto, so he just scribbled _Iwamoto-senpai_ next to the drawing instead. Then, he gave them a summer dress and round glasses and a big, bright smile.

 _There_ , he thought, running his fingertip lightly along his ring as his teacher went on and on about possible courses at university. _I hope you’re having a good day, wherever you are._

The autumn day was bright and clear outside the classroom window. Koji watched the baseball team practice, their shouts and commands rising up to his third-storey classroom, and imagined his person somewhere out there wondering about him too.  
  


**2015**

Meguro was 18 when he got a modeling job.

It was… a job. Well, the girl who accosted him outside his lecture hall with the flier had been really persuasive. 

_Trust me, you have the looks and pure talent!_

The way she’d smiled and her eyes had grown wide and innocent had reminded Meguro of Nana who was hundreds of miles away, how she used to do that to get them extra snacks at lunch time in middle school. 

This was their first year ever apart. You could call him a softie, but he missed his best friend like something fierce. 

So he had said yes.

Now it was lunchtime and he was regretting it a little.

Everyone else in the lineup seemed like consummate professionals, and there he stood, all 178cm of lanky limbs in his old turtleneck that was fraying at the hem. 

He stood awkwardly at the end of the line, trying to imitate the guy beside him, but he just looked like an idiot with an injured neck.

Meguro sighed. 

He let his arms drop to his sides. He was staying until they were done with him, then he was going to eat his free lunch and use the 2,000 yen to buy this week’s groceries on the way home.

*

Koji was 21 when he had to put together his own shoot for the first time.

It was his final year in university, and the only thing standing between him and job-hunting was his final year project. (He spent a lot of time trying not to think about the former, especially when his portfolio was full of mismatched night shots and portraits of his friends and it made his advisor tut every time she saw him.)

This time though, he was determined to do it properly. If nothing else went right, Koji wanted to go out with a bang so generations of photography students would remember his name. (He didn’t know how yet, but surely inspiration would strike him any day now.)

It took weeks of planning and location-scouting and finally, they were doing an open call for models. 

Despite all the notices they had placed around campus, only seven participants showed up. From the looks of them, about half of them were here only for the promised free lunch and 2,000 yen.

The other half scared Koji a little. Their eyes were bright and hungry, and the way they sized him up made him gulp. 

They all looked too perfect, YouTube-wannabe famous and Instagram-model beautiful. They posed like they spent their days practicing their postures and stances and looking for the perfect backdrop for their hundreds thousands of followers. He imagined spending his days as an Instagram boyfriend, searching out insta-worthy cafes with their poached eggs and avocado salads. 

A shiver ran down his spine. 

Now, Koji was not the type to be discouraged over such a small matter. Beautiful people were beautiful people in front and away from the lens. If this was his lot, so be it. It was a stupid thing to be complaining about anyway. What kind of asshole was he to be grumbling about gorgeous faces in front of his camera?

Like his advisor was always saying, it was his job to make them look the way he wanted, and he knew he was capable of that.

He gritted his teeth through another overly enthused spiel about Entrepreneurship, and finally noticed how Mina was gesturing frantically at him.

 _What?_ He mouthed at her, and she tipped her heads slyly towards the end of the line.

 _Just wait til this guy_ , she mouthed back, looking as smug as a kitten in a bucket of milk. Koji glanced in that direction and caught a glimpse of a shabby turtleneck, ripped jeans, and worn sneakers, which admittedly didn’t seem too life-changing to him. 

But Mina always had the best eye for models and Koji would trust her with all his worldly assets (2 second hand Sony cameras from the 2000s, 1 battered camera bag and 7,000 yen in his bank account), so he just nodded and called out _thank you very much, next please!_

*

Meguro had spent half an hour shifting his weight from one leg to the other by the time they called his name. 

The rest of the models had already left, and the free lunch was looking less and less worthwhile.

The girl that had convinced him to come - Mina? - reached up and tugged at his turtleneck. She wasn’t small herself, but she still had to tiptoe to straighten out his hair and the creases in the cashmere.

“You’re going to be great!” She told him with that same smile and Meguro ducked his head shyly, trying for one of his own.

“There! You’re perfect. Mukai’s going to love you,” and before Meguro would wave away the praise - _perfect?_ surely not - she was nudging him towards the photographer himself.

Meguro bowed as low as he could. His heart was suddenly hammering against his ribs, a relentless _badump-badump_ in his head and a roaring in his ears. His throat was so tight that he could hardly breathe. It wasn’t that big a deal, surely.  
  
He straightened, and stuttered out, “h-hi, m-my name is Meguro Ren. I’m a first-”

The rest of the words died in his throat because suddenly, his ring was glowing pure and crimson red.

*

Koji had to look up to meet his eyes.

“Meguro Ren, you said?” He repeated. Mina was looking between them both with confusion on her face. Her ring hadn’t manifested yet, so Koji was grateful that it wasn’t the first thing that came to mind.

Koji’s, though, was burning a trail straight from his finger to his heart.

“Y-Yeah,” the dude said. His smile was shy and tentative, and Koji felt his heart rise in his chest like a hot air balloon to his throat. He had those bright, honest eyes and Koji wanted to know _everything_ about him.

Koji swallowed and made himself scribble on his clipboard just for show. He wasn’t sure what he wrote, something about fried chicken maybe. The application form that Meguro had filled out was painfully lacking. All Koji could glean from it was that he was 3 years younger than Koji and that kanji probably wasn’t his strong suit.

“D-D-Do you want to start with a self-introduction? It says here that you have no experience, so maybe it will be better than a walk.”

Meguro heaved in a big, visible breath. Koji watched his eyes dart to Mina who gave him a pair of thumbs-up and a reassuring smile.

“Um, like I mentioned, my name is Meguro Ren. I-I’m a first year and I’m studying sports science. I…” He trailed off, scratching his head and frowning. 

Koji found himself staring at the pinky on Meguro’s left hand. At the back of his mind, he wondered if Meguro felt this too, this unbearable heat in his veins and the irresistible call to get closer.

“What do you like doing in your free time?” Mina prompted gently while Koji’s mind had wandered off into nothing. He’d dreamt about this moment all his life, but he’d never imagined it would happen here, just before the busiest year of his life.

Try as he might, he couldn’t tear his eyes from Meguro. 

“I dance and I take walks with my dog. There’s a park near my parents’ house that he really likes so I take him there. He’s getting old though, so recently we just walk there and sit for a while before I carry him home… Uh. Um, I also really love dagashi so sometimes we stop by the neighborhood shop for some snacks on the way home. Uh, the snacks are for me though; Mr. Sando can’t have any. My mum yells at me when I give him people snacks… She says they’re not good for him.” 

At that, Meguro sighed a little, looking between Koji and Mina helplessly.

“Sorry,” he added, eyebrows pinching together. “I-I’m not very interesting. I can dance or do the walking thing instead, if you tell me what to do. I’m usually better at doing things than talking.”

There was that jawline, there was that shy smile and those cheekbones so sharp they could give Koji papercuts for days. Woven into all of that, there was something gentle and kind and utterly befuddling about him. Koji found himself suddenly and inexplicably relieved. 

He shook his head. He knew his jaw was still on the floor where he’d dropped it ten minutes ago, but there was no time to pick it back up again, not with this massive project ahead of them and this life-changing news that the universe had just presented him with.

“No, it’s fine. We can work out all the other stuff, but you’re it. Y-You’re the one I’ve been looking for.” He gulped, immediately regretting his wording, but the way Meguro eyed him gratefully made the feeling sink down to the bottom of his stomach and out through his toes.

Out of the corner of his eye, Mina gave a fist pump before suggesting skipping the prepared bento and going straight for yakiniku.

  
  


**2016**

It was mid-afternoon by the time Meguro woke up on Saturday. 

He rolled over, and even though it had been 2 months, a part of him was still surprised when he found Koji’s warm, pliant body in his arms.

“Meme,” Koji mumbled, stirring. He pressed all the closer to Meguro, nosing fondly at his jaw with his eyes closed, but even the shock of his cold nose wasn’t enough to pull Meguro entirely out of his dreams. 

He just hummed in response, as if to say _I’m right here._

His body was slow to wake, heavy from the late night and his head was heavier still. It always felt like this after a big test, like all the facts were just up there taking up space and weighing him down. He knew they were going to take a few days to digest. By then, it would be the New Year holidays and they would be on an overnight bus to Nara.

The curtains were drawn, but a sliver of morning light peeked through the gap and fell across the new grey-blue sheets that they had picked out together last week. It made Meguro breathe out a smile.

“Mornin’, Koji,” he murmured. In the dim light, his right hand found Koji’s left, and he threaded their fingers together, rubbing the back of Koji’s hand against his cheek just so he could see Koji smile against his pillow.

It had been over a year since they found each other and yet, Meguro still loved the way Koji shuffled into his embrace, always so keen and willing under his touch. It always reminded him of the first time he woke up in Koji’s bed, two weeks after those auditions, sore and marked and his heart overflowing with love. 

(He had traced the soft angles of Koji’s cheekbones in the light of dusk and had known without a doubt that this was forever.)

Now, Meguro pressed a searching thumb to Koji’s ring, twisting it this way and that. It was warm from the covers, from Koji’s half-curled fist, from the way Meguro’s heart glowed when Koji tucked his head under Meguro’s chin and sighed, settling contentedly against his chest.

“No breakfast today?” Meguro asked, quietly teasing. His fingers found the choppy ends of Koji’s haircut, brushing his thumb against the wild bristles at the nape of his neck. He had cut it for him last week at three in the morning, when Koji was rushing a deadline and couldn’t concentrate for all the hair in his face.

Koji shook his head against Meguro’s. “Finished it all. Got job. Took many beautiful pictures of Meme. Have beautiful Meme too.” He paused for a thoughtful moment, then with a half-awake giggle, he added, “in that order.”

Meguro huffed a laugh, his cheeks hot. He made as if to get out of bed, but Koji just clung tighter to him, his arms wrapped around Meguro’s waist.

“I thought that was your way of getting me to make breakfast,” Meguro told him lightly, but he just shook his head again. 

“Meme finished exams too. No go anywhere,” Koji demanded.

Meguro was about to give up, but then Koji’s stomach suddenly made the angriest noise known to Man.

“Well, breakfast isn’t going to come to us,” he grinned, giving in to the urge to ruffle Koji’s hair. 

But when Koji tugged Meguro on top of him, he didn’t try to resist at all.

“Just one kiss,” he warned.

But as was always the case with them, it was another half an hour before Koji let him go, mussed and kiss-bitten, from his bed.

*

Koji was 21 when he finally found his person.

He was 22 when he knew it was forever.

On the morning after his final deadline, Koji watched him shuffle around in his tiny kitchenette. He let his eyes wander along the sliver of bare skin under Meguro’s worn dango-themed sweater when he reached up for a mug, then the quiet study of his hands beating eggs together and the way his fringe fell across his gentle, gentle eyes.

Koji had folders and folders of him, snaps of those fleeting moments, and yet everyday with him still felt like a race against time for more.

“Meme,” Koji called out from the warm cocoon of their new sheets. They smelled like laundry detergent and sunshine and Koji wasn’t leaving all day.

Meguro turned around, spatula in hand and his bottom lip between his teeth.

“Come kiss me?” Koji asked and Meguro frowned across the room at him. 

He gestured at the onions in the pan. “Koji, please. Don’t want the onions to burn.” 

So Koji dragged himself from his comfy nest and took all of the 4 steps it took to get to the kitchenette.

“Meme,” he said again, peering sideways as Meguro poured the beaten eggs into the pan. He wrapped his arms around Meguro’s waist, resting his chin on his shoulder affectionately. His smile brightened when it made Meguro turn the fire off and face him.

“Kiss,” Koji asked again, and his heart sang when Meguro leaned in with a shy smile. His fingers were cold against Koji’s chin, but Koji didn’t even mind because Meguro was tilting his chin up to meet his own lips just like they did in all the shoujo manga.

He caught a glimpse of Meguro’s smile, then the kiss was slow and searching, both of them still bleary-eyed enough to take their time. Koji pressed gently into Meguro’s arms, backing him up against the counter and secretly loving the way his arms wound around himself to keep Koji right there. 

He smelled like camomile and their eucalyptus shampoo. He smelled like home.

For a single moment, Koji felt his ring glow warm and his heart glow warmer still. He felt the red thread that bound them and saw in his mind’s eye, how it wound from Meguro’s hand under Koji’s chin, how it dipped and meandered around Meguro, then Koji, before snaking its way between them to their interlocked hands. 

“Love you,” Meguro murmured when they parted, small and private and shy. Koji licked his lips to feel how tender they were, and he wanted to kiss Meguro until his did too. 

“Love you more.” Koji grinned, and Meguro just huffed an indignant laugh before pulling him back in for more as their half-cooked eggs grew cold on the stove. 

**Author's Note:**

> The pin-up from Myojo with MemeKoji and the red ribbon binding them together gave me feelings and made me write more words than I have in almost 5 years, holy shit.
> 
> Title from [Harbor by Vienna Teng.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wTdQRtU5O_I)
> 
> _The light in me will guide you home_   
>  _All I want is to be your harbor_
> 
> _You've got a journey to make_   
>  _There's a horizon to chase_   
>  _So go far beyond where we stand_   
>  _No matter the distance, I'm holding your hand_


End file.
